More Chuck Norris Facts

My previous list of top Chuck Norris facts was a surprise hit.  Here are a few more of my favorites, from Comrad Ivan Red’s myspace blog:

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. And don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

  1. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
  2. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower—he only takes blood baths.
  3. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  4. Chuck Norris won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a 7 of spades and a green UNO card. Continue reading More Chuck Norris Facts

Eavesdropping on the Astral Plane

A conversation recorded by Terry Bisson:

“They’re made out of meat.”

“Meat?”

“Meat. They’re made out of meat.”

“That’s impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?”

“They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don’t come from them. The signals come from machines.”

“So who made the machines? That’s who we want to contact.”

“They made the machines. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.”
Continue reading Eavesdropping on the Astral Plane

Farting to Enlightenment

Su Dongpo occupied a government post on the northern shore of the Yangtze River. Across the river at Jinshan Temple lived the Chan master Foyin.

Calligraphy by Su Dongpo

One day, Su Dongpo, feeling proud of his accomplishments in meditative practice, wrote a poem and dispatched it to Foyin for approval:

I bow my head to the heaven within heaven
Whose light illuminates the universe
The eight winds cannot move me
Sitting still upon the golden purple lotus

When Foyin received the poem, he read it, wrote a single word in reply, and sent it back. Continue reading Farting to Enlightenment

“Kung Fu Jesus” Movie Trailer

Kung Fu Jesus

“God is my master”

TrailerVision Pictures presents the martial arts classic: Kung Fu Jesus.

For years, vicious gangster bosses ran the underworld, but a new fighter has come to town.  He’s taking over the streets, with a new style of kung fu known as Swing Lo.

When Jesus is framed for selling drugs, he must fight to prove his innocence. Continue reading “Kung Fu Jesus” Movie Trailer

Kung Fu Version 2.0

Version History

Kung Fu version 1.0 was released at the dawn of human history, and it was truly a killer app.  Though it contained only two basic features—kill people and kill animals—it was useful in solving the problems of the prehistoric age. 

Kung Fu 1.0 provided end-users with critical advantages in the constant struggle for food, and an opportunity to reproduce.  By leveraging bleeding-edge innovations in Rock and Stick technology, early adopters were able to live to the ripe old age of 30 years, and perhaps even become grandparents. Continue reading Kung Fu Version 2.0

Monk Gloats Over Yoga Championship

‘I am the serenest!’ he says

LHASA, TIBET—Employing the brash style that first brought him to prominence, Sri Dhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6.

Sri Dhananjai Bikram walked away with the World Yoga Championship after averaging 1.89 breaths per minute for two straight hours.

“I am the serenest!” Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000 yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. “No one is serener than Sri Dhananjai Bikram—I am the greatest monk of all time!” Continue reading Monk Gloats Over Yoga Championship

14 Amazing Chuck Norris Facts

The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book

1. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity—twice.
3. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Continue reading 14 Amazing Chuck Norris Facts