More Chuck Norris Facts

My previous list of top Chuck Norris facts was a surprise hit.  Here are a few more of my favorites, from Comrad Ivan Red’s myspace blog:

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. And don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

  1. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
  2. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower—he only takes blood baths.
  3. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  4. Chuck Norris won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a 7 of spades and a green UNO card.
  5. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the deputy.
  6. Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
  7. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
  8. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  9. Chuck Norris never opens a can of whoop-ass. He makes his own.
  10. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
  11. Lightning never strikes twice in the same place, because Chuck Norris is looking for it.


  1. chuck norris does not crush cans with his hands he stares at it and it buckles under pressure

  2. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
    Chuck Norris doesn’t get rug burns, Chuck Norris burns rugs.

  3. Chuck Norris is the only person who can wear a fannypack and look like a badass!

  4. God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
    Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.
    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
    It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
    Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s S**T!!
    Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
    Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the F**K down!
    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always!! The only time he didn’t was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    “There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris”

  5. Killer asteroids always miss the earth because once they get close enough to do any damage, they realize Chuck Norris lives here.

    Oh, and those meteorites that burn up in the atmosphere? Atmosphere, NUTHIN’. That’s Chuck Norris glaring at them.




  7. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in God, God believes in Chuck Norris

  8. why was 6 scared of 7? cause 7 ate 9….. what was 7 scared of? Chuck Norris

  9. Chuck Norris’s most convincing role is his embodiment of the title character in “Twister”.

  10. When Chuck Norris steps in a puddle, he doesn’t get wet…the puddle gets Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure…Chuck Norris goes killing.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”

  11. The world used to be flat until Chuck Norris was born, and it curled up in fear.

  12. I heard that Chuck Norris doensn’t teabag people… He potato-sacks them!

  13. China used to be connected to Canada, until chuck norris roundhouse kicked it through the earth.
    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
    Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.
    God created the world and everything in it. So what created god? Answer: Chuck Norris

  14. Chuck Norris can get a woman pregnant in just 1 blink. He can also do this to men.
    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

  15. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    Chuck Norris made Ellen Degenerous straight.
    Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac and Burger King, and got one.
    Chuck Norris Can touch Mc hammer.
    Chuck Norris invented water.
    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

    Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

    Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird

    Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

    Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

    Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

    Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

    Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

  16. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks anyone who says his facts over 3 comments

  17. The Bermuda Triangle was once square until Chuck Norris round-house kicked a side.

    Its impossible to fold a sheet of paper more than 8 times, but Chuck Norris can fold it 11 times.

  18. A black cat got bad luck for crossing Chuck Norris’ path.

    Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

    Chuck Norris killed 26 Special Op snipers with a pellet rifle.

    Chuck Norris can split the atom with his hand.

  19. There’s no such thing as Global Warming, Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

  20. Who is chu…………………. Wait someones at my door

  21. Chuck Norris is so bad-ass, he doesn’t use keys. He dares the door to stay closed.

  22. Chuck Norris dick is so big that it got another dick attached to it and it’s still bigger then yours.

  23. chuck norris made journy stop beliving. chuck norris made a happy meal cry.

  24. chuck norris once upper cut a horse. its decendance are now know as the geraff

  25. if you have ever been acused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.

  26. if you post a redneck joke on a chuck norris sight you might be a redneck

  27. chuck norris sleeps with a night light. not because he is afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of him

  28. Chuck Norris went for a leak one time….and created the Grand Canyon!

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