Steven Seagal Redeems Himself As Cock Puncher

Steven Seagal as Cock Puncher

Where did Steven Seagal go wrong? His early movies—Hard to Kill, Out for Justice, Under Siege—reinvigorated the action genre, with their breathtaking displays of no-holds-barred Aikido.

His next two-dozen films weren’t so well received, or so I hear. I didn’t watch them myself.

It wasn’t the thin plots or dull acting that eventually turned me off Steven Seagal’s work; it was his characters, or rather his character. The names and the scenery changed, but never the personality. Seagal didn’t play the hero, or even the anti-hero; he was just a smart-ass prick, a pretending pacifist who secretly hoped for violence. After so many encore performances, one wondered if it was really an act.

Thankfully, Steven Seagal’s latest role shows that he is in on the joke.

“Hide Your Balls, Boys…”

Steven Seagal trains his punch
The obligatory training sequence

In The Onion Movie, Steven Seagal plays the Cock Puncher, master of an ancient technique that “strikes at the very core of a warrior’s strength”. And he plays it just like every other role, which works perfectly.

The Onion Movie preview (NSFW)

The only disappointment in Cock Puncher is its length.

If you’ve seen the movie trailer, you’ve literally seen half the scene. Why didn’t the writers exploit the full potential of this hilarious concept? Don’t they know that skit size matters?

As for the remaining ninety minutes of The Onion Movie…it has nothing in common with the eponymous satirical newspaper. Honestly, I was more impressed with the website than the film. The lineage chart is particularly interesting. Did you know that Cock Punching is related to Jeet Kune Do?

Postscript

“There is no such thing as an innocent joke.”
~ attributed to Sigmund Freud

Why is the Cock Puncher skit so amusing, whereas the endless football-bounces-into-crotch “humor” of America’s Funniest Home Videos falls flat? For me, the joke is not on the screen, it is off-camera…

The media portrays martial arts as exotic fantasy role-playing; consumers base their expectations on media imagery; entrepreneurs tailor their “traditional martial arts” offerings to meet the expectation. It is a vicious cycle wherein the authentic materials and practices are pushed aside.

Actually attacking an opponent’s weak points in a direct and brutal fashion, is apparently seen as incongruous and inappropriate!

In other words, Cock Puncher is funny because it is supposed to be funny. It is ironically meta-funny.

23 comments on “Steven Seagal Redeems Himself As Cock Puncher”

  1. This may just be the best blog post title I’ve ever seen.

    I said it before but I have a car-wreck fascination with Seagal. This post and video will keep me chuckling at least through the weekend.

  2. I read somewhere that Segal has his own style of called Strong Aikido….yet I thought Aikido was never meant to be offensive,only defensive?

  3. In what respects was Aikido meant to be defensive, not offensive?

  4. In the respects that Aikido seems to deal more with redirecting that which is already coming at you…this implies using it when in a moment of defense.

  5. The founder of Aikido was always talking about unity, in which there is no room for offense and defense. Of course, there are some creative interpretations and dissenting views amongst the inheritors of his style.

  6. My husband and I used tolove to watch Steven Seagal movies. He still does. I call him “Girdle Man” (Steven Seagal, not my husband!) because years ago someone behind the scenes said he is so vain he wears a girdle. Also, he was married to the gorgeous actress Kelly LeBrock and left her for their teenage babysitter (whom they had named their child after!!!!) Not exactly the kind of values/loyalty I associate with Martial Arts, not to mention the vanity.

  7. Martial Arts Mom, your comment reminds me of a recent interview with Tendzin Choegyal, the Dalai Lama’s younger brother:

    …GR: Have you met a lot of the celebrities who stop through Dharamsala to meet the Dalai Lama?

    TC: Celebrities? They’re all human beings, what’s the big deal? You sit down with them, you start talking, and it’s the same thing. Richard Gere is a wonderful person—very simple, modest, and natural with whomever he meets. He’s done a lot for the Tibetan community. And then, on the other side of the scale, there’s Steven Seagal. Oh my god. I met him when he came here. He was wearing a funny coat, a Chinese brocade, funny trousers, and funny shoes with that ponytail. I asked him, “Why do you dress in such a peculiar manner?” He didn’t say anything. He’s arrogant, and pretends to be a Tibetan reincarnate. But why? He’s a strange man.

  8. Ironically, the hubby and I caught “Hard to Kill” – probably the best of his movies (wasn’t it the first?) His wife was in it with him. I just couldn’t help laughing at the tight 80’s jeans he wore (and that did NOT flatter him) so maybe he actually was wearing a girdle back then, too. : )

  9. Yeah he pretty much was born to punch cock. I wondered where he went. I see his old movies on cable now and then but never any new stuff. I’m glad he has a sense of humor enough to play that role.

  10. goddamn straight “hard to kill” was his best….. as far as i’m concerned it’s his ONLY movie… i just searched “cock puncher” on google because my friend told me of this… i didn’t beleive him… incredible..

  11. Hi guys i wantd to see that Cock Puncher video anyone now were i can find or buy that video??

  12. From someone who isn’t impressed with Hollywood or general consensus I can tell you Steven is a powerful man who can hold his own in the spirit world.

  13. Steven seagal is an idiot fat faced vain girl and should rip that dead skunk off his head and should stop churning out same old crap ” Friend or relative kidnapped steven ‘fag’ seagull flies in kicks some ass and never bursts his colostomy bag. Yawn
    And stop playing cop like some superhero fag.

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