Chuck Norris and Google: The Facts

Google

How do you think Google established their complete dominance of Web search? Superior engineering? Nope. Shrewd business strategy? Guess again. They have a secret weapon…

Chuck Norris built Google’s first data center from a roll of barbed wire, a pallet of lumber, and a side of raw beef. The barbed wire was just for snacking.

Google Health

A recent Google Health survey has identified the three most common medical diagnoses in the United States: Chuck Norris’ Right Leg, Chuck Norris’ Left Leg, and Other.

Google is reportedly experimenting with alternative energy sources. Their most promising so far: a treadmill, next to a life-size photo of Chuck Norris.

Gmail catches 99% of all email spam—by filtering POP3 Internet traffic through Chuck Norris’ beard clippings.

Chuck Norris
Chuck prepares for his next mission

Chuck Norris invented the Map-Reduce algorithm, when he single-handedly eliminated the Soviet Union, East Germany and North Vietnam.

Supplemental results were introduced to keep Chuck Norris from dominating every search query. They were eliminated after proving completely ineffective.


Why has Google’s stock price climbed from $85 to over $700? In a futile attempt to escape Chuck Norris’ earthly clutches.

* Despite all this, Google still cannot find Chuck Norris.

Please feel free to share your own Chuck Norris Google facts below.

107 comments on “Chuck Norris and Google: The Facts”

  1. “Mr. Matt Cutts” is an anagram of “Chuck Norris”. Trust me on this one.

  2. I want to eat C.N. he looks like an antelope and smells like a hippos nostrils expunged snot on him.

  3. but really im kidding because I know that chuck norris is the reason waldo is hiding, and I dont want to go into hiding.

  4. CHUCK NORRIS HAS BEEN DEAD FOR SEVEN YEARS………………DEATH IS JUST TOO AFRAID TO TELL HIM.

  5. i am awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    -sincerly Chuck Norris

  6. thats funny because I cant believe its not butter, but chuck norris can!!! it shows how far in the human evolutionary chain Chuck Norris is….I Believe that we will be equal with Chuck Norris in about 5 billion years

  7. Chuck Norris knows why the Grudge really makes that noise, but he refuzes to tell.

  8. The cheetah, is the fastest land animal because it had to adapt to being chased by Chuck Norris. They still aren’t fast enough.

  9. If you’re playing Guess Who and you ask “Is your person Chuck Norris?” you automatically win. Forever.

  10. look fusion, one chuck norris fact at a time, and make it make since to the convo. We all know chuck norris hates people who spam his jokes. I’m just trying to save your life

  11. if you have$5, and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

  12. Chuck Norris is so cool, i heard he had sex before his dad!!!

  13. i also heard Chuck Norris is so strong, he can lift up a bus while sitting in it!

  14. Chuck Norris Ordered A BigMac from Burger King
    AND GOT ONE!

    Chuck Norris Once Roundhouse Kicked a horse in the chin, its decendants are now knwn as giraffes.
    =]

  15. OMGosh! if Chuck Norris was REALLY on this website, let me know, but then come to my funeral because if its true, i will die from over excitement!!! btw I LOVE Chuck Norris, but who doesn’t, and if you do, you shall be round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in 1 second…

  16. Chuck Norris invited his grandmother over for Thanks Giving dinner. He cooked the turkey just by looking at it, then his grandmother asked how he did that. He round house kicked her in the face and said “NOBODY questions Chuck Norris!”

  17. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

    Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

    Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

  18. Chuck Norris can stop the beat.

    Chuck Norris isn’t funny, stop laughing.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t obey the law, the law obey’s Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

  19. chuck norris stared at a t-rex, the t-rex pissed him self

  20. chuck norris can eat a rubix cube and poop it out solved

  21. Chuck Norris once picked up a hooker and had sex with her in the back of his semi-truck, one drop of his Semen fell onto the seat and eternally bonded to the truck.
    – That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

  22. Chuck Norris once looked into a mirror and it shattered. . .
    Even the mirror knows not to get inbetween two Chuck Norris’s.

  23. Chuck Norris won the Iron Chef tittle with an Easy Bake oven. . .

    Chuck Norris won a Ping-Pong tournament with a tennis Raquet and a Bowling ball. . .

    Chuck Norris can Pop-a-Wheelie on a Unicycle. . .

  24. Scientists say that the cure to cancer is Chuck Norris’s tear… to bad he never cries…..

  25. When you Google Chuck Norris, it doesn’t bring up web sights, it says “Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.”

  26. When Chuck Norris came into existance there was a bang . . . . we call that now as the Big Bang 😀

  27. Chuck Norris has a desert Eagle.50 so don,t call him this way ,,Hay Chucky,, he is gonna find ya and you know what he is gonna do ya

  28. When Chuck Norris was a kid he didn’t wet the bed as his parents thought, the bed wet Chuck Norris.

    Criss Angel can float in the air, well The air floats on Chuck Norris. ( this one i made it in 10 seconds.)

  29. I believe the proper phrasing is, “When young Chuck Norris went to sleep, his bed wet itself out of fear.” 🙂

  30. Chuck Norris is a beast.
    Chuck Norris is a beast.
    Chuck Norris is a beast.

  31. Chuck Norris is an anagram of something he can do: Crush Rock In

    Chuck Norris can run around the world and hit himself on the back of the head.

    Chuck Norris can break anything and cannot be broken… He inspired the invincible armor ultimate weapon logic puzzle

  32. you are all gay and so is chuck norris. well and anyways did he ever do anything good anyways.

  33. For some reason, everyones left nut is larger than their right. In Chuck Norris’s case, each nut is larger than the other.

  34. When the boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he isn’t pushing himself up, he’s pushing the ground down.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t write books. the words assemble themselves out of fear.

  35. there was no astoriod that hit the earth mearly a list of animals chuck norris let live

    the reason you never see the moon during day is because it is afriad of the sun, the reason you never see the sun at night is because it is afriad of chuck norris.

  36. I recently found out that Chuck Norris Is so awesome that even Def people can hear him coming.

  37. when people sneeze, they usually ask for a kleenex. when Chuck Norris sneezes, he asks for a body bag.

  38. Hi everyone i will round house kick any one who postes after me! But any way if i kick you i may just be trying to tell you that i like your hat

  39. hi yeah hes gonna round house kick me but does he know where i live take that chuck

  40. chuck norris is sueing NBC, claiming “Law and Order” are trademarked names of his right and left legs

  41. they once made chuck norris toilet paper, but there was a problem; it wouldn’t take crap from anybody

  42. chuck norris invented his own karate, it is called “Chuck-Will-Kill”

  43. chuck norris played russian roulette with a gun and won

  44. chuck norris once lost the t.v. remote but maintained control of the t.v. by yelling at it inbetween bites of “fillet-o-child” sandwich

  45. chuck norris once appeared on jeopardy. it is remarkable because it was the first episode that alex trebec had appeared without a mustache…

    …and a head

  46. chuck norris doesn’t go hunt no hunt involes failure
    chuck norris goes killing

  47. I can’t see Chuck Norris. But he can see me. I can never see him,
    But he can roundhouse kick silently and SOMEHOW invisibly on my backside and I’d be dead. Don’t want that to happen so don’t laugh, he might kick you as soon as you end this message, or mabye when i finish this message. Chuck Norris, please roundhouse kick anyone but me who reads this message for some reason that will not intrest them for no reason at all

    -pupatron3000 =D

  48. chuck norris taught the cheetah to walk @ 150 km/hr !!!!!

  49. chuck norris once beat the sun in a staring contest. FACT.

  50. 3 facts:
    1.chuck norris can awnser any math question by staring at it and BOOM all the awnsers are correct
    2weegee cant stare at chuck norriss.. chuck norris stares at weegee
    3.chuck norris contros the animals not the animals

  51. when chuck norris fights he dosn’t get in to a fight the fight gets in to chuck norris

  52. I Will Roundhouse Slap In The Ass If You Dont Shut Up About My Roundhouse Slap In The Ass.

  53. theres no such thing as global warming chuck norris just turned up the sun

  54. chuck norris does not own a coffie pot..
    he grinds the beens with his teeth and then boils the water wit his own rage

    chuck norris once orderd a steak in a restoront…
    the steak did what it was told

    de person named screw chuck is now dead ….
    let this be a leson tu u all

    when you ask chuck norris for the time he will always say 2 seoconds ’till,
    if you ask him “two sonconds to what?” he will round house kick you in the face

    have u ever felt like time is going by really fast or really slow?
    this is because chuck norris dosent own any clocks..
    he decides the time

    the big bang was really when chuck norris round house kicked a guy in the face at the same time mista t pityed him

    chuck norris is suing burger king because they wouldent put rasor wire in his burger even thow he insited that was “his way”

    chuck uses a night light..
    not because he is afraid of the dark but beacause the dark is afraid of chuck norris

  55. chuck norris used to be on streat fighter but they took him off for 2 reasons,

    1. any button u pressed when being chuck caused a round house kick to the face that not only killed the other player for ever but also every other player in the game.

    2. if two players were to chose chuck norris and round house kick at the same time the universe would explaode

  56. in the chucks movies he not only does own stunts but every own elses too

    when chuck does a movie he is givin 8 horse tranculizers 5 bever tranculizers and 7 sleeping pills just to lower the damadge down to the other actors in the movie

    one time chuck went back in time to fight himself….
    he won.

    chuck norris once won a staring contest with medusa

    pi x chuck norris = win

  57. Rick Astley will never give you up, but Chuck Norris will definately roundhouse kick you down

  58. In the beginning,there was nothing….then chuck norris roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said” get a job”.that is the story of the universe.

  59. Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

    Chuck Norris can start a fire by grinding 2 ice cubes.

  60. if you misspell Chuck Norris’s name, he will misspell your face…

  61. Chuck Norris casted for the movie ”300” they don’t hired him because if he had the movie had to be renamed to ”1”.

  62. Chuck Norris once worked in a bank, a robber walked in, and ran straight out by looking at Chuck, a cop then walked in and died in horror.

    Chuck Norris once had the internet, and it became the fastest internet in the world, by Chuck yelling at it.

    Chuck Norris.

  63. Just if you misspell Chuk Noris’s name, doesn’t mean he’ll roundhouse kick you in th- SMACK

  64. When it rains on Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

    The fastest way to a man’s heart is not his stomach. It is a fatal roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris

  65. If Chuck Norris were to ever fuse with the number 42, it would cause an explosion made of pure awesome that would obliterate the whole universe. Except for Chuck Norris.

  66. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep…he waits

    Once Chuck Norris was jumped by hulk hogan, Jet li and every other awesome character ever. You can guess who won.

    If you play a game of Scrabble and spell CHUCKNORRIS…you automatically win…………Forever

  67. One time, an alien came to Earth and rid the world of all evil. Chuck Norris heard about this and challenged him to an arm wrestling contest, the loser having to wear their underwear above their pants. Picture Superman.

    Even the power rangers are afraid of Chuck Norris.

  68. In the begining of the Star Wars movie it always says, A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…Well it was the future but Chuck Norris didn’t want it to so he Roundhuse kicked it far, far away…And the rest is history.

  69. i,chuck norris,have here answered the question ”whart is 2+7”,my answer is ”chuck norris” we all know that,let those who agree with me,be chuck-blessed,though,this infidoulous spam checker dsnt agree >=O

  70. the only person who cried when Chuck Norris was born was the docter… NEVER slap Chuck Norris

  71. A real life fact. Chuck Norris’s official website claims he became the first Western 8th dan TKD 10 years after 2 other Americans became *th dans. That would suggest Chuck’s kick was so fast he went 10 years back in time to grade.

  72. -“That’s what she said or is it what Chuck Norris said?”

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