In the year 2266, captain and crew of the USS Enterprise embarked upon a thrilling mission, to make out with sexy female aliens. After encountering significant resistance from angry male aliens, Captain James T. Kirk developed a unique hand-to-hand fighting method.
With trademark moves such as the flying flop-kick, Judo chop and double-fisted hammer attack, Kirk triumphed over his scaly, bug-like adversaries. But will his method work for you? Read our analysis to find out.
Kirk vs. Gorn
Kirk’s Fighting Tips:
- For a powerful strike, lace your fingers together and swing them at your opponent’s back.
- If you are thrown to the ground during a fight, take the opportunity to rest up and plan your next attack—it’s just common sense.
- When caught in a bear hug, slap both the opponent’s ears. Run away while the enemy is reeling in pain.
- Striking with laced fingers is the absolute worst way to hit anything, or anyone. No matter what angle you choose, you are most likely to injure your own hands. There is literally no reason to ever use this technique, ever.
- Rupturing an attacker’s eardrum is serious, but not always debilitating. There are more effective techniques to escape a front bear hug: try using a free hand to push on their throat, eyes or nose, or to pull their ear. Any of these responses can create space between you, and allow you to escape or counter-attack.
Kirk versus the George Hamilton Tribe
Kirk’s Fighting Tips:
- When attacked by a mob of stick-wielding space weirdos, use evasive maneuvers to avoid injury.
- If possible, secure the assistance of a red-shirted security officer. Let them draw attacks away from more important characters, such as yourself.
- Actually, Captain Kirk took the right approach. In a mass attack scenario, it is important to keep moving, specifically away from the center of the pack. Pausing to attack one person will expose you to attacks from the others.
- Some of the techniques shown in this exciting battle are drawn from Aikido randori (freestyle with multiple attackers) training. At the 17 second mark, Kirk demonstrates a textbook shomen uchi irimi nage, in the abbreviated (or “Seagal”) style.
The Vulcan nerve pinch
Kirk’s Fighting Tips:
- Sadly, James Kirk was never able to master the most formidable attack known to the Star Trek universe: Spock’s Vulcan nerve pinch. Silent but deadly, Officer Spock’s technique incapacitates the unwitting via a simple pinch to the neck.
- Is the Vulcan pinch equally effective in our universe? Probably not. It is in fact possible to overload the nervous system with a light strike near the base of the neck; the sensation is similar to an electric shock, interfering with the recipient’s motor control. However, this is a difficult strike to administer, and furthermore does not typically result in a loss of consciousness.
You forgot one: Sleep with your opponent’s wife, girlfriend, sister, third cousin, etc. Kirk was famous for that.
It so enrages the enemy that he/she cannot think clearly.
You’re right Bob. Whatever happened to space bros before space hoes?
Haha great post. Thoroughly enjoyed those clips 😉
I particularly like the ‘lacing fingers and swinging them’ technique – hilarious!
That great line “silent but deadly” should be used more often, worldwide.
Thinking of it…perhaps it’s more than a nerve pinch…we can’t smell the attack…
This is hilarious!
It’s amazing to see how much more sophisticated the public has become when it comes to fight scenes. What used to pass for action back then would be today considered the same the same level as you’d find on youtube by two teenagers.
That “worst fight scene ever” wasn’t THE worst, but truly one of the “greats” *lol* If the crappy costumes (you can see the zipper!), ham acting and overblown drama wasn’t bad enough, watching Capt Kirk fight made me sleepy *lol* It makes me wonder if they had quaaludes in future space life *lol* He sure looked like he was on them…or on SOMETHING *lol*. And the cherry on top of all this crap, Capt. Kirk runs away in the end *lol* BTW, seeing Capt. Kirk throw that plastic boulder and have it bounce off that alien’s chest was hysterical to me *lmao*!
Oh, and Bob Patterson, IMO the Capt. Kirk fight scene was crappy then and it’s crappy now! *lol* It’s all a matter of budget and the degree of creativity you can accomplish working within that budget. Star Trek did pretty well given it’s low budget, but then again there were times they were lazy and times they let out some stinkers *lol*
Oh, and…you think fight scenes between teenagers on youtube is on par with the above Capt. Kirk scene, I welcome you to GO to youtube and look up “Ryan vs. Dorkman”. Or, if you want something funny, try “Tony vs. Paul”. T.vs.P. is made entirely from stop-motion animation. It’s a masterpiece. And KILLER funny *lol* They may not be chronological teenagers, but given their degree of dorkdom, I think in some way they still qualify *lol*
Intergalactic martial arts lesson…
Regarding Kirk’s boxing of the Gorn’s ears, the alternatives you suggest probably would not have been valid – his opponent didn’t have ears to pull on, only ear holes. Striking the throat or snout might have worked, but both areas are armored with heavy hide/scales, and human/gorn anatomical differences might have rendered such attacks ineffective.