I Challenge Kimbo Slice to a Fair Fight

Chris Brown
Chris Brown

Chris Brown must wish he was R. Kelly right now.

After reportedly beating up his celebrity girlfriend, Rihanna, R&B singer Brown has become the newest target of the Internet Vengeance League. Everybody wants in on the action, including LA Boxing president Anthony Geisler.

Geisler recently contacted Chris Brown’s manager, inviting him to step into the boxing ring for a few rounds, and copied the invitation to a Facebook group (“I Want to Fight Chris Brown”). Personally, I find this obscene.

Why are they getting all the media attention? Enough about Chris Brown.

Today, I formally challenge street brawler and MMA legend Kimbo Slice to a fair fight. And unlike Rihanna, Brown and Anthony Geisler, I insist that each competitor be given an equal opportunity to win.

Kimbo Slice
Kimbo Slice

Kimbo Slice is big and strong. That is not fair. Before the fight begins, he must lose sixty pounds, and two inches. This will require some dieting, and bone surgery.

Kimbo Slice played high school football. I never had that opportunity, as my financial circumstances required me to work a part-time job. Whatever athleticism he gained during that time must be forfeit, or I will not accept the fight.

In preparation for his MMA career, Kimbo trained long and hard with retired fighter Bas Rutten, and boxing instructor Randy Khatami; meanwhile, I have been working as an engineer. Before our fight, I expect Kimbo to sit in front of a computer screen, 8 hours per day, until he develops RSI, eye strain, and a mild case of lower back pain. Anything less would be unfair to myself.

Kimbo will absolutely be required to shave all protective padding from his chin. These are my rules.

Orange Slice

If I were to suffer a serious injury during the fight, I might lose the ability to support myself in gainful employment. To participate, Kimbo Slice must accept the same risks. He must give up all his endorsement contracts, and royalty revenue streams. Losing half his 401(k) value in the stock market would further constitute a show of good faith.

In return for these concessions, I will provide Kimbo with access to top-flight instruction in traditional Chinese and Japanese martial arts. Learning these arts will not be optional, but mandatory. No inequities can be allowed in this match.

Please direct all press inquiries to my agent.

24 thoughts on “I Challenge Kimbo Slice to a Fair Fight”

  1. Chris –

    If you go “pro” I’d be happy to manage you. I can see myself in a Zoot Suit, feather boa, and classy walking stick.

    This could be HUGE.

    I do require the services of Anne Hathaway as my personal assistant.


  2. I would like to announce publicly that I’m challenging Beyonce and Rihanna to wrestling. That’s right, a 2 on 1 grudge match, naked. No holds barred so if a certain something happens to slip into a certain somewhere it’s all legal and legite.

  3. if one wanted to challenge kimbo,
    what are the rules for blocking punches?
    no kicking to the groin no strike to the eyes. what are the rules?

  4. Or by tradition you made the challenge he picks the weapons so you sh0uld again sixty pounds, and two inches. This will require some gym work, and bone surgery.

    Train long and hard with retired fighter Bas Rutten, and boxing instructor Randy Khatami

    Oh and create a time machine so you can play high school football…

    You challenge some then you picked the some rules by making the challenge , you could have challenged him to design a building. You challenge him to a fight you have to accept he has some advantages. Or stop wining that he had an easer life than you.

  5. I suppose the difference is that Randi is trying to get his targets to prove something, whereas you are describing something more akin to a contest between you and Kimbo.

    If you wanted Kimbo to prove something about his ability or his background, you could make the challenge and set up the rules, of course. With a sufficient incentive or prize, he might accept.

  6. Thomas hit the nail on the head, your challenge is a competitive one not an achievement one.

    If Kimbo had said “I can do X” then he is effectively laying down a challenge to prove him wrong/a lier; Randi picks up those type challenges, also people come to Randi rather to answer the open challenge than him going to them and demanding they conform.

  7. Give it a rest. My challenge was obviously a joke, just like Randi’s is. It makes a rhetorical point, just like Randi’s does. I find it pathetic that a flood of vengeful trolls attacked this site today, and the only posts they can meaningfully “debunk” are in the humor section! Nobody else was confused by these posts, in the last 1-2 years, except them.

    The point, in case you missed it, is that fights are never fair. Despite what a few of these trolls have claimed, it has nothing to do with MMA or Kimbo Slice’s record in particular.

  8. I’m not trying to debunk anything, you posted a dumb comment I replied pointing out it was dumb.

    Also Randi’s challenge is not a joke, he is 100% serious, that’s why he has the money to back it up. That said personally I doubt that any one will be even remotely successful so the money is safe.

  9. i would like to challege kimbo to a fight i would like a chance to whoop his ass he can come to st louis at anytime i’ll be waiting i am your no.1 fan but i betcha he don’t want these hands pussy

  10. I know I can kick the shit out of Kimbo Slice. Kimbo I think you haven’t fought anyone special. I will fight you anyday, anywhere. I know you ain’t shit. I don’t think you will last one round with me because I will knock your head off in less than a minute…Im Samoan, in the Army, from Tulsa OK, so holla at your boy whenever you want to get that ass kick…

  11. Well this is interesting. I really hope to see that Eddieson and Kimbo fight. I mean I’ve only heard about Kimbo being the deadliest Warrior but Eddieson??? ummm I wonder why his name is not popular. So that I wanna see.

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