Holiday Recipes from Amateur Mixed Martial Artists

International Taiji Community Cookbook

The following guest post may have been submitted by amateur mixed martialist Manny St. Pierre, as a response to the new International Taiji Community Cookbook, with its sales proceeds financing the International Taiji Park in Thunder Bay, Ontario.

The holiday season is upon us again, and the time has come to prepare delicious meals for friends and family. Try my powerhouse recipes, and you’re sure to win any Ultimate Feasting Competition…

The Turkey Whizzer

Step 1: Purchase a frozen turkey from your favorite MMA gear supplier. (If they are sold out, you can buy one at the grocery store, and use a magic marker to write Tapout or Affliction on the side. Trust me, everyone will be impressed.)

Step 2: Remove the plastic wrapping. This is an important step!

Step 3: Cut the frozen turkey into quarters.

Step 4: Microwave each quarter for ten minutes on the medium-low setting.

Step 5: Drizzle with melted butter and salt to taste.

Believe it or not, some people still follow that useless tradition, of spending hours upon hours baking their turkey in a convection oven. When are they going to wake up? It shouldn’t take that long to do it, people. Let go of your fairy tales.

Microwaving your turkey is what we insiders call a “high-percentage cooking technique.” But even the most succulent turkey dinner can be a little boring without side dishes, so why not whip up a batch of…

Proven Mashed Potatoes (serves 6 persons, or 2 Lesnars)

Ingredients:

  • 6 large potatoes
  • 3/4 cup Slim Jims, finely diced
  • One handful of mini marshmallows
  • Sour cream
  • A pinch of Mrs. Dash seasoning (optional)

Each of these single ingredients has been proven delicious in numerous televised events. Mixing them all together? Two words: culinary masterpiece. It’s a foregone conclusion!

How you combine them is irrelevant–but we recommend a pressure cooker, because everything needs to be tested under pressure.

Of course, no holiday meal is complete without dessert…

Innovative Apple Pie

Some buddies and I were hanging out after class last week, and we had this awesome idea. Why not create a pie with apples inside of it?

At first, none of us could understand why this idea hadn’t been invented yet. It’s so obvious when you think about it! But that is the problem with traditional cooks–they only know how to follow old recipes, and they never start thinking for themselves.

Anyway, this is how you make our apple pie. First, you buy a cherry pie. Then you carefully cut off the top, scrape out the cherry filling, and put some good apple slices in there. Only use the best quality apples, because 90% of them fall to the ground and get bitten by worms and stuff. Put the crust back on, serve and enjoy.

You can use this recipe, but don’t take the credit for inventing it. We did that all by ourselves last week.

Follow these modern recipes, and you’ll never submit to hunger. Happy Thanksgiving!

6 comments on “Holiday Recipes from Amateur Mixed Martial Artists”

  1. Just wondering, do you actually cook the apple slices in your “cheat pie”? Mash potatoes with marshmellows? Guess I need a more open mind.

  2. That was pretty much the most scathing satire of anything I’ve ever read short of “A Modest Proposal”.

  3. And yeah, the fact that it was written by an MMA bloke just makes it funnier.

    To respond in kind, “If you think standing still is a workout… you just might be a nei jia martial artist.”

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