It’s not the size of the duck in the fight, but the size of the fight in the duck that counts.

The Contest

I need you to help Karate Kyle express his seething rage. First, decide what he needs to say. Second, jump over to quickmeme.com and type in your idea–you’ll receive a captioned image immediately. Finally, save it, and leave a link to your original creation in a comment below.

Submissions will be accepted until April 8; then voting begins. Three winners will receive fun custom bobbleheads from 1minime.com:

• Winner #1: Readers’ favorite submission (with 10 or more votes)
• Winner #2: My favorite submission
• Winner #3: A randomly selected personal subscriber

Winners will receive a free handcrafted bobblehead of any person they choose, including themselves, each with an approximate value of $70. Every legitimate entry will increase your chances of winning, so get busy: Karate Kyle is waiting, and you don’t want to make him angry.

Update

Place a vote for your favorite submission below. Voting ends on April 16. (New submissions are welcome, but they will not be eligible for a prize.)

Shinjido literally means Danny’s Way, a label given by one of my students to the variety of techniques that I have developed for martial art. I attempt to find the easiest solution to a problem either in attack or defence. My work is based on sound principles and the techniques serve to demonstrate the principles. I have applied this approach to judo starting from the premise that our sport is fighting within specific rules and limitations…

The following guest post may have been submitted by amateur mixed martialist Manny St. Pierre, as a response to the new International Taiji Community Cookbook, with its sales proceeds financing the International Taiji Park in Thunder Bay, Ontario.

The holiday season is upon us again, and the time has come to prepare delicious meals for friends and family. Try my powerhouse recipes, and you’re sure to win any Ultimate Feasting Competition…

The Turkey Whizzer

Step 1: Purchase a frozen turkey from your favorite MMA gear supplier. (If they are sold out, you can buy one at the grocery store, and use a magic marker to write Tapout or Affliction on the side. Trust me, everyone will be impressed.)

Step 2: Remove the plastic wrapping. This is an important step!

Step 3: Cut the frozen turkey into quarters.

Step 4: Microwave each quarter for ten minutes on the medium-low setting.

Step 5: Drizzle with melted butter and salt to taste.

Believe it or not, some people still follow that useless tradition, of spending hours upon hours baking their turkey in a convection oven. When are they going to wake up? It shouldn’t take that long to do it, people. Let go of your fairy tales.

Microwaving your turkey is what we insiders call a “high-percentage cooking technique.” But even the most succulent turkey dinner can be a little boring without side dishes, so why not whip up a batch of…

Proven Mashed Potatoes (serves 6 persons, or 2 Lesnars)

Ingredients:

• 6 large potatoes
• 3/4 cup Slim Jims, finely diced
• One handful of mini marshmallows
• Sour cream
• A pinch of Mrs. Dash seasoning (optional)

Each of these single ingredients has been proven delicious in numerous televised events. Mixing them all together? Two words: culinary masterpiece. It’s a foregone conclusion!

How you combine them is irrelevant–but we recommend a pressure cooker, because everything needs to be tested under pressure.

Of course, no holiday meal is complete without dessert…

Innovative Apple Pie

Some buddies and I were hanging out after class last week, and we had this awesome idea. Why not create a pie with apples inside of it?

At first, none of us could understand why this idea hadn’t been invented yet. It’s so obvious when you think about it! But that is the problem with traditional cooks–they only know how to follow old recipes, and they never start thinking for themselves.

Anyway, this is how you make our apple pie. First, you buy a cherry pie. Then you carefully cut off the top, scrape out the cherry filling, and put some good apple slices in there. Only use the best quality apples, because 90% of them fall to the ground and get bitten by worms and stuff. Put the crust back on, serve and enjoy.

You can use this recipe, but don’t take the credit for inventing it. We did that all by ourselves last week.

Follow these modern recipes, and you’ll never submit to hunger. Happy Thanksgiving!

But now the problem has been solved.

Made in China, of course

I bought this costume yesterday for 60% off. Little did the shopkeeper know that I actually intend to wear it for Thanksgiving. Timing is everything.

(Click to enlarge)

Skeleton Clown

Food Fight

Funbot

Wise Sensei

Italian Spiderman

(continued here)

Japanese Spiderman

Indian Spiderwoman

What will you be for Halloween?

If so, then we have a solution for you. It’s called SlowFlo, the Christian alternative to Tai Chi.

Inspired by Chuck Norris, the art of SlowFlo reforms the inscrutable pagan art of Tai Chi Chuan into a safe and guilt-free form of Christian exercise.

The benefits of SlowFlo include limbering of the joints and spinal column, and oxygenation of your whole body, all without challenging your religious and philosophical beliefs.

While all other forms of martial arts were created under demonic influence, SlowFlo strengthens and fortifies your body and soul with the real ultimate power of Jesus.

You will burn calories in a gentle, relaxing way, while performing simple techniques with reassuring names, like “The Iron Pope”, “Lifting the White Man’s Burden”, and “The Chris Farley”.

SlowFlo raises your metabolism for quicker weight loss and more energy–not the evil ki energy of brown and yellow devils, but wholesome Christian energy.

The beautiful movements of Slow Flo are accompanied by scriptural affirmations in All-American Sign Language. Say goodbye to the occult influence of Oriental mantras, mudras, and meditation, and welcome the healing power of SlowFlo exclusively into your heart.

In Christ all things are possible, except for Oriental Yoga and martial arts: those are the work of the devil. If you accept Jesus as your master, buy SlowFlo on DVD today.

Slow Flow by WholyFit
Hat tip to The Museum of Idolatry: Artifacts of Apostasy

All kidding aside, the serious question is: what is it about Tai Chi that requires a “Christian alternative”?

Yes, hitting bags alone isn’t much fun. And when properly executed, breaking can build power, control, and self-confidence. With diligent practice, you can bust an entire rack of melons, or a nicely stacked set of boards.

In the following videos, model and stripper Busty Heart shows her breaking talent. Please do not try this at home, unless you are under the supervision of a qualified expert such as myself.

Busty Heart on America’s Got Talent

Busty Heart breaks the record, possibly