I was only twenty minutes into an outdoor routine (that is, an indoor routine stripped of any provocative elements) when I heard a group of teenage boys approaching behind me. I continued to mind my own business, but they were not content with theirs.

Did they taunt me with the standard Bruce Lee kung fu yelps? Well, of course they did; and I ignored it, just as I have ignored it three dozen times before. But unlike three dozen times before, this group did not have a few laughs and keep walking.

They dared each other to throw a rock at me, and that I could not ignore. If the first rock went unanswered, it would not be the last.

It appeared to be a no-win situation. We all knew that, if things got ugly, I would be forced to shoulder the blame. In the eyes of the public, I would be “the menacing Kung Fu expert who terrorized a group of harmless, innocent children.” Aside from the teens, there were no witnesses present to testify in my defense.

As I stood there with my back turned, the rowdy gang quieted down. Prompted by a mixture of fear and unwarranted confidence, one boy picked up his rock and took aim.

The Moment of Truth

Without breaking form, I spun around and looked that boy straight in the eye. We reached an immediate and wordless compromise: from only ten yards away, his rock would miss me by a country mile, and I would not retaliate against him. Nobody would call him a coward, and everyone would go home intact.

“I missed,” was the boy’s flat and unconvincing apology to his buddies. Now holding my obvious and menacing attention, the group decided to move on.

Yes, this is a boring story, but it is a true story, and I am quite proud of the ending. Just another boring example of the options we give ourselves, by viewing martial arts through the widest possible lens.

Calculate your child beating score, just for fun

One
Adira walked down the street, wearing a comfortable summer ensemble: tank-top, shorts, and flip-flops. Twenty yards ahead, she spotted two idle and suspicious men sitting quietly. To a Krav Maga expert of her status, they were no concern. She casually walked past them.

Suddenly, the nearest man lunged forward. Adira’s training immediately kicked in; she silently asked herself, How should I disable this attacker? In an instant, she had already struck him in the chin, kneed him in the stomach and thrown him to the ground. Having solved the problem, she continued her walk.

Then the second man attacked from behind! Adira responded with a powerful side kick, followed by two more of her infamous knee strikes. Finally realizing the danger of her circumstances, she ran away.

Fortunately, her Krav Maga was a complete success.

Two
Adira walked down the street, alone and unarmed. As a practitioner of self-defense, she would normally try to avoid this scenario altogether–but the enchanting summer afternoon had silenced her better judgment. Twenty yards ahead, she spotted two idle and suspicious men sitting quietly. Adira’s training immediately kicked in; she silently asked herself, How do I avoid fighting with any would-be attacker?

As there was no other route home, she continued forward, forgetting to tread along the far side of the path. While the additional three feet of distance would not have protected Adira, it would have given her an extra half-second to respond to any sudden lunges. A half-second is a long time in such circumstances.

And the man did lunge at her. Without sufficient time and space to get away, Adira was forced to counterattack. Using her training in Krav Maga, she subdued the man, while his obvious accomplice sat and watched from the sidelines. As Adira tried to walk away–without proper shoes, running was not an option–the second man approached. Again, she was taken by surprise, but due to the sheer incompetence of her assailants, she somehow managed to escape without injury.

Sadly, her self-defense skills were a complete failure.

If you’re being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you’re also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn’t really change things. Just keep on running.

How to Fend Off a Shark

Hit back. If a shark is coming toward you or attacks you, use anything you have in your possession—a camera, probe, harpoon gun, or fist—to hit the shark’s eyes or gills, which are the areas most sensitive to pain. These nose is not as sensitive as these areas.

Make quick, sharp, repeated jabs in these areas. Sharks are predators and will usually only follow through on an attack if they have the advantage, so making the shark unsure of its advantage in any way will increase your chances of survival. Hitting the shark simply tell it that you are not defenseless.

How to Escape From a Mountain Lion

Do not run. The animal most likely will have seen and smelled you already, and running will simply cause it to pay more attention.

Try to make yourself appear bigger by opening your coat wide. The mountain lion is less likely to attack a larger animal. Wave your hands and shout.

Back away slowly or wait until the animal moves away. Do not crouch down. If the lion still behaves aggressively, throw stones.

How to Evade Killer Bees

If bees begin stinging you, do not freeze. Run away. Swatting at the bees will only make them angrier.

If no shelter is available, run through bushes or high weeds. Do not jump into the water—the bees may decide to wait until you surface, and sting you some more.

Bonus Tip: How to Box a Gorilla

Use agile footwork to dodge the gorilla’s powerful strikes. Some gorillas favor wild haymaker punches, which are easily avoided.

Select the proper fighting style. Northern Chinese Kung Fu seems to work best. Wrestling and grappling techniques are largely ineffective in gorilla warfare.

Shark, lion, and bee tips courtesy of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. Deep thoughts courtesy of Jack Handey. Gorilla tips courtesy of “Bruce Lee the Invincible”.

Google defines freedom as “the condition of being free; the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints.” Popular culture and public schools promote this childlike view of freedom, wherein our supposed inherent rights are actually another person’s liabilities.

By declaring health to be our inalienable human right, we would compel a doctor to treat us; by asserting the right to a minimum standard of living, we compel another to provide the necessary wealth; and so on. Such entitlements are clearly not inherent, or universal, or inalienable, as they are entirely dependent on the action (or inaction) of someone else.

It is not these wishes-cum-rights that are truly inherent and universal, but the limitations they seek to overcome. Paradoxically, we come to understand genuine human freedom through the experience of poverty, sickness, danger and death. For example, the danger of unarmed combat.

Although sparring is often regarded as a mere cardiovascular conditioning routine, its real value is disillusionment. As our opponent is raining blows upon us, we realize that our most basic guaranteed “right to safety” is a soothing but meaningless proclamation. Aside from ourselves, there is no party with the motivation, means and opportunity to guarantee it.

In the end, the only freedom we possess is that which we can personally hold onto while under attack. For those who lose their composure and give in to fear—on or off the mat, inside or outside the dojo—there is demonstrably no choice and no freedom whatsoever.

Our sole inalienable liberty is not a freedom from circumstances, nor is it a freedom from consequences; those are only childish fantasies. It is not even the right to life, which is in all cases temporary. Our most basic freedom is self-determination—for those who can keep it.

God and guns were so important to our founders that they established our protection to exercise them in the first two amendments to our Constitution-–the uninhibited and unrestricted freedom to choose our own religion and bear our own firearms.

But, more and more, these pillars of American life and liberty are being attacked and abandoned, not only out of sheer bias but ignorance of our founders, the Revolutionary period and our Constitution. Instead, these pivotal American rights have become the brunt end of cultural jokes and are often regarded as biased lifestyle components of “rednecks” and rural citizens.

The indifference, lack of education about and passion for all of our Bill of Rights gravely concerns me. And while there is nothing funny about it, it is one of many reasons why roughly one-fifth of the 101 short stories are “freedom” entries in my new book, “The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book,” a fun yet inspirational and educational book in which I share my 101 favorite Chuck Norris facts–-embedded within five core values: freedom, family, faith, fitness and fight.

Here’s “Freedom” entry No. 49 on the Second Amendment:

Official Chuck Norris Fact No. 49: “Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.”

There has been some movement in our country to get away from our Second Amendment rights. Last year, the Supreme Court even wrangled over the question, should the government allow private citizens or only public servants (“state militias”) “to keep and bear arms”?

Is someone joking? Could the 27 words of the Second Amendment be any clearer? “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed”.

Do you agree or disagree with Chuck Norris? Why?

Years before The Ultimate Fighter and pay-per-view MMA specials, talk-show host Jerry Springer pioneered “reality” fighting entertainment.

While Jerry Springer’s talk show environment is obviously somewhat contrived, his guests’ fighting technique is in other respects spontaneous and natural. So how do the lessons taught in the average martial arts dojo compare to combat performances on Jerry Springer?

Dojo Fantasy: There are no rules in a real fight.
Jerry Springer Reality: Violence is a form of communication.
Analysis: Most animals naturally distinguish between fighting and killing. The purpose of fighting is not to maim or kill the opponent, but to establish a social hierarchy. Understanding this distinction is crucial for successful self-defense.

Jerry’s guests know they are playing a game: they pull their punches, and sometimes even smile and laugh during one of their pre-arranged scuffles. This is not to say such grudge matches are completely safe; however, failing to honor the unspoken rules of limited engagement can result in severe punishment, from the other principals, the crowd of observers, and society at large.

Dojo Fantasy: A fight consists of a series of offensive and defensive techniques, executed in turn.
Jerry Springer Reality: Everybody attacks, all at once.
Analysis: The best defense is to attack the opponent’s potential, whereas the worst defense is to resist the opponent’s attack. In this respect, Jerry’s brawlers show more intelligence than the average dojo strategist.

You rarely see guests attempt to block a punch or kick. Instead, they tend to stand far enough away that blows cannot reach them, while waiting for an opportune time to rush in for a clinch. While inside, they manhandle each other for a few seconds, waiting for the bodyguards break it up. Finally, they repeat the entire sequence again, and then go to commercial break.

Dojo Fantasy: A fight starts and ends with two participants.
Jerry Springer Reality: If you stand (or lay) still for even one moment, you will be surrounded, and you will be finished.
Analysis: Despite the constant guests’ constant squabbling, serious injuries appear to be rare. This must be in part due to the show’s large and ever-present security team.

After the producers encourage and facilitate each fight, the security team is expected to allow it, and then stop to it before it gets too ugly. And at this task, they are remarkably effective. Two or three security guards surround each of the freak show fighters, and pull them apart.

The take-away lesson is that you should never walk down the street without a team of security guards. If you can’t hire a bodyguard service, do the next best thing, and never allow yourself to be surrounded by hostile strangers.

My Final Thought

When a fight breaks out on stage, Jerry Springer can always be found standing safely in the audience section. Jerry has mastered the classic rule of self-preservation: ninety percent of success is not showing up.

This is the consensus view among self-defense instructors: if you are attacked with a knife, you will get cut. You should expect to get cut. Your goal is not so much to avoid getting cut, but to avoid getting killed.

So next time you meet a self-defense expert, look at their arms. Do you see any knife scars? Have they even once tested their theories against a real, razor-sharp blade?

British raconteur and martial artist Chris Crudelli managed to find one Escrima teacher with sufficient courage to test himself—on camera, no less. Here is the footage, from the BBC documentary Kick Ass Miracles:

Yes, he failed the test, and nearly chopped his arm off in the bargain. I am not particularly surprised at this outcome. Nevertheless, I wish we had more self-defense instructors of his caliber, and fewer of the type who are so casually mocking him now.

Do these results prove the man to be a self-deluded idiot? I sure hope not, because if the rare martial artist who actually tests his theories is subsequently labeled delusional, what does that say about everyone else?

After the seminar was over, I bought a T-shirt to commemorate the occasion. According to the text on the back of my new shirt, I was now an unofficial member of “The International Association of Defensive Martial Arts”.

Nevermind that we had spent the last 6 hours eviscerating each other with spears, sabers and bayonets, metaphorically speaking. Nevermind that, according to the principles of Xingyi and all other respectable combat arts, the use of purely defensive techniques is forbidden. Despite all this, in public, we were expected to present ourselves as practitioners of self-defense. Not offense. Why?

There are two explanations for this incongruity; as usual, one is popular and the other is true. We may as well start with the popular rationale: that martial arts were designed and intended for defensive purposes.

This is primarily a modern ethical assertion, disguised as a historical thesis, and consequently there is hardly any evidence to be refuted. Karate-do and Aikido, to cite two specific examples, are often represented as defensive martial arts today. Their founders’ own words reject this characterization. It is true that the arts were not to be used for starting fights; however, this is not because they were envisioned to be “defensive martial arts”, but because they were not “martial arts” at all!

The Xingyi Quan of the
Chinese Army

In regards to modern Xingyi, nobody carries a spear around for the purposes of individual self-defense. Nor were units of the Chinese army drilled in Xingyiquan for defensive purposes—the very idea of a defensive standing army is nonsense. And the history of other martial styles is similarly revealing.

Despite all this, the myth persists, among students and teachers alike. This is because the myth itself is a defensive tactic. First, it protects those under-qualified martial arts instructors who cannot successfully execute an attack against a savvy opponent: as the story goes, their art doesn’t work for that purpose because it was not intended to work.

Second, and more importantly, it protects the arts themselves from their most dangerous adversary. Martial artists, their organizations and their arts must identify themselves as defensive (i.e. harmless) to forestall any accusation of paramilitary or revolutionary activities. Offense is the exclusive domain of the state and its contractors, and the state does not enjoy competition.

This is not some wacko conspiracy theory. At various points during the last century, martial arts schools in China, Japan, Russia, and Cambodia were targeted as potential threats to their governments. Did these schools possess tanks and fighter planes, and other weapons of modern insurgency? No. They were assumed to be guilty of something far worse: cultivating a strong and independent spirit in their membership. In some cases, these arts were outlawed and their schools shut down; in others, the teachers and students were imprisoned or otherwise removed from society.

So all things considered, I must remain a proud and completely innocent member of the International Association of Defensive Martial Arts. Would you like to join us? We have a great T-shirt.

Our most powerful weapons are the human mind and the human heart.

In the year 2266, captain and crew of the USS Enterprise embarked upon a thrilling mission, to make out with sexy female aliens. After encountering significant resistance from angry male aliens, Captain James T. Kirk developed a unique hand-to-hand fighting method.

With trademark moves such as the flying flop-kick, Judo chop and double-fisted hammer attack, Kirk triumphed over his scaly, bug-like adversaries. But will his method work for you? Read our analysis to find out.

Kirk vs. Gorn

Kirk’s Fighting Tips:

• For a powerful strike, lace your fingers together and swing them at your opponent’s back.
• If you are thrown to the ground during a fight, take the opportunity to rest up and plan your next attack—it’s just common sense.
• When caught in a bear hug, slap both the opponent’s ears. Run away while the enemy is reeling in pain.

Our Comments:

• Striking with laced fingers is the absolute worst way to hit anything, or anyone. No matter what angle you choose, you are most likely to injure your own hands. There is literally no reason to ever use this technique, ever.
• Rupturing an attacker’s eardrum is serious, but not always debilitating. There are more effective techniques to escape a front bear hug: try using a free hand to push on their throat, eyes or nose, or to pull their ear. Any of these responses can create space between you, and allow you to escape or counter-attack.

Kirk versus the George Hamilton Tribe

Kirk’s Fighting Tips:

• When attacked by a mob of stick-wielding space weirdos, use evasive maneuvers to avoid injury.
• If possible, secure the assistance of a red-shirted security officer. Let them draw attacks away from more important characters, such as yourself.

Our Comments:

• Actually, Captain Kirk took the right approach. In a mass attack scenario, it is important to keep moving, specifically away from the center of the pack. Pausing to attack one person will expose you to attacks from the others.
• Some of the techniques shown in this exciting battle are drawn from Aikido randori (freestyle with multiple attackers) training. At the 17 second mark, Kirk demonstrates a textbook shomen uchi irimi nage, in the abbreviated (or “Seagal”) style.

Spock escapes his captors

Kirk’s Fighting Tips:

• Sadly, James Kirk was never able to master the most formidable attack known to the Star Trek universe: Spock’s Vulcan nerve pinch. Silent but deadly, Officer Spock’s technique incapacitates the unwitting via a simple pinch to the neck.

Our Comments:

• Is the Vulcan pinch equally effective in our universe? Probably not. It is in fact possible to overload the nervous system with a light strike near the base of the neck; the sensation is similar to an electric shock, interfering with the recipient’s motor control. However, this is a difficult strike to administer, and furthermore does not typically result in a loss of consciousness.